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Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Chelsea "Big Head" Walker 2005-Too Soon


Chelsea "Big Head" Walker, age 11, passed away Monday in Rice Lake, WI. She is survived by all 5 members of the Walker household and by sister Peyton "Pey Pey" Walker.

Born Francesca in the city of Woodbury, MN, Chelsea spent the first year of her life trying to figure out that atrocious Minnesota stench and why she had not been adopted. That all changed one summer day in 2006 when the Walker family showed up to take her home to the great, dog loving state of Wisconsin.

Once home, Chelsea quickly adjusted to her new life as the empty whole in her heart was filled with joy and unconditional love. She enjoyed taking long, lazy naps, serving as a footrest for Pey Pey, and chewing grass anytime she was outside.

Not to be outdone by her famous big brother Bailey, Chelsea started training to become a world champion eater and still holds the Guinness record for eating a bowl of dog food in 3.4 seconds. The fame she received would have corrupted most dogs but she stayed firm to the morals taught to her by the Walker family and lived a clean life.

Like all dogs though, the end came but not before she fought to turn a 3 month diagnosis into another year of life. The bright smile that illuminated any room she entered may be gone but she will live on through anyone who witnessed it.

Visitation will be from 5-8p on Friday at Appleyard's Home for Funerals. Burial service at the Walker Pet Cemetery will commence at 10a on Saturday with reflection and refreshments shortly after.

The Walker family asks that any donations be made to the Eric Walker Needs $$ For A Ski Trip In 2 Weeks Foundation.


Saturday, January 9, 2016

2016 Wild Card Predictions

Being the fantasy football God that I am, I'm going to give you my wild card playoff predictions and you can bet your house, kids, and life savings on what I have to say.

Disclaimer: I have been known to make terrible decisions in my day, mostly involving women, but have faith this in these picks!

AFC Wild Card #1-Chiefs @ Texans

Chiefs -3.0 (this means they are a 3 point favorite for all you non gamblers out there)

Get the DVR set up so you can just fast forward through this one or just check out Making a Murderer on Netflix instead. The Texans get rewarded with a home game for being just not shitty enough to win their division. Don't worry though, they will not be rewarding their fans with a W this week as the Chiefs have won 10 games in a row and are about to make it 11. With a win on Saturday, Alex Smith will finally earn his place in the prestigious Smiff club joining the likes of Emmitt Smiff, Will Smiff, and of course, founder Steve Smiff.

Chefs 27-Texans 17 (I can't believe this commercial was on YouTube)


AFC Wild Card #2-Steelers @ Bengals

Steelers -3.0

Does anybody outside of Cincy think the Bengals have a chance in this game? Will Marvin Lewis finally get fired (2nd longest tenured coach behind Bill Belichick)? How many catches is Antonio Brown going to have? Many questions surround this game but one that you don't need to worry about is the final score. Even without DeAngelo Williams, TWO TIME CHAMP (1 more than GB's golden son) Big Ben will get the job done. I can hear the rebuttal already, "Rodgers beat Ben in the Super Bowl." That may be true but I was passed out for the 2nd half and didn't see it so it doesn't count.

Steelers 30-Bengals 14 (fun fact, I share the same b-day as Big Ben)

This is for you Slin. "He's a goddamn WARRIOR!"

NFC Wild Card #1-Seahawks @ Vikings

Seahawks -5.0

I know you just beat the lifeless Packers and all but sorry Vikings, Russ Wilson is on fire right now and he is going to light up ugly ass TCF Bank Stadium. He might even send a few embers over to the new stadium and torch that too but let's hope not because Wrestlemania is coming there in 2017! All joking aside, the only way the Vikings win this one is if an already injured AP runs for 200 yards plus a couple of scores because Teddy Two Gloves isn't going to get the job done.

Seahawks 35-Vikings 10 (I will always thank the Seahawks for this GREAT memory)


NFL Wild Card #2-Packers @ Redskins

Redskins -1.0

If you haven't noticed already, there is a theme going on so you can imagine who I am going to pick in this one. Kirk Cousins is in "PAY ME" mode and that is going to continue on Sunday. Karen Rodgers and the Packers offense has been stagnant for some time and they are really 9-7 on the year as THAT HAIL MARY DIDN'T COUNT! If Megatron retires after this season, I am going to blame it on that game and the shit bird Packers.

Redskins 26-Packers 20 (OT on a Desean Jackson fake 23 blast with a backside Georgia reverse)


Disagree with my predictions or want to voice your opinion? Don't bother because I don't want to hear them.

Eric Walker

Saturday, January 2, 2016

Eric's Favorite Things of 2015

Forget Oprah's favorite things, I made a list of the best things I watched, read, experienced in 2015. If you disagree, just know that you are wrong.

Movies

The Martian-(The book and movie.)

Look at that awesome cover!
Inside Out-Talk about an emotional ride. 


Star Wars: The Force Awakens-If Daisy Ridley were standing next to me right now, I would be down on one knee. 


Ex-Machina-Another Oscar Isaac sighting and it won't be his last!


Furious 7-Obviously this makes the list and so does the future Grammy/Oscar/Golden Globe winning song See You Again. RIP Cuz. 


Mad Max: Fury Road-What a thrill ride.


Spy-Easily my favorite comedy. Trainwreck would probably be #2.


Creed-A fresh take on the Rocky series and it includes WALLACE (watch The Wire!).


Spotlight/Going Clear-More reason to avoid organized religion.


It Follows/We are Still Here-I usually spend my time laughing at horror movies but these 2 made me check my draws a few times. 


TV

Fargo Season 2-It's a tough call but I think this has to be my favorite show from 2015. It was about as perfect as Jessica Alba.


The Knick Season 2-Best show on Cinemax. Fun fact, Cinemax is owned by HBO.


The Affair Season 2-This show managed to top a great season 1. McNulty! (again, watch The Wire). 


Show Me A Hero-Look! Oscar Isaac again. It's safe to say he enjoyed 2015.


Master of None Season 1-Aziz is still killing it. The joke about Blade sold me on this one.


Justified Season 6-Possibly the greatest series finale I have ever seen.

                                    
Honorable Mention-Broad City, Veep, Last Week Tonight With John Oliver, 
Silicon Valley, You're The Worst, Game of Thrones, Better Call Saul, Homeland, Bojack Horseman, Halt and Catch Fire, Hell on Wheels, Louie, Masters of Sex, Mr. Robot, Ray Donovan, Jessica Jones, Rectify, Shark Tank and OF COURSE The Real World.

None of these are really honorable mention, I just watch a lot of damn TV.

Music

J. Cole-Technically his album came out at the end of 2014 but it blew up in 2015. RIP Uncle Phil!


The Weeknd-Definitely tore up 2015. By the way, everything about 50 Shades of Grey is terrible.


Kids Bop 31.....................Sike! Don't buy this for your kids. Make them listen to some poetry by the great Tupac.

Books

Ready Player One-I would like to apologize to Stephen King and his book The Stand as Ready Player One has taken over as my favorite fiction book ever. A perfect combination of the future, 80's pop culture, and video games. 

The Boys In The Boat-A great historical non-fiction read about rowing and the 1936 Olympics.


Dead Wake-A non-fiction account of the sinking of the Lusitania. 


In The Kingdom Of Ice-I felt like I spent two years living on the frozen Arctic Ocean after reading this. Yet another good historical non-fiction book.


The Wright Brothers-A great biography of the Wright Brothers (obviously).


Miscellaneous

Live Hockey-For the first time since middle school, I attended a live NHL game and my Devils whipped Patty Kane and the Blackhawk's asses 3-2.


Youtube Comment Sections-If you ever need to feel better about yourself or worse about humans, just click any on any video and prepare to be entertained and blown away.

Bodega Boys Podcast-If you love rap music, the NBA, and politically incorrect humor, this is the podcast for you. Also check out the Desus vs. Mero podcasts from their previous employer.



The New Day-The best thing that happened to the WWE in 2015. NEW DAY ROCKS!!!


Bagged Whole carrots-I had a revelation this year as I switched from buying baby carrots to whole carrots. They taste 10 times better! 





Saturday, October 31, 2015

Hard Knocks: Week 7 Recap


In the modern age when you fail to back up a guarantee, not only do you look like a fool, you get taken apart by social media. Coach Walker was toasted on Twitter being called "an absolute choke artist," "a fucking clown," and "frustrating to watch." The icing on the cake was Walker being called by NHL hall of famer Mark Messier. He informed Walker that the next time he feels like throwing around a guarantee, he should keep his washed up mouth shut.


"Guys, the loss this week can be put on one person and one person only. Jimmy Graham. What the FUCK Jimmy? You came to my office and told me to start you because you were going to have a big week. If a big week consists of 5 points then we need to reassess your position on the team. Fuck it Jimmy, the first person I can sucker into a trade for you, you're gone."

5 minutes pass

"Alright Jimmy, pack your shit and get the fuck out. Guys, welcome Eric Ebron to the team and while I'm making moves, Dion and John Brown get out of my sight. I would rather have Woodhead and Landry any damn day. Now that things have calmed down a little bit, lets talk about what we can do to get this shit storm turned around. How about we just score more points? Can you losers do that for me? If not, let me know and I'll trade your ass."


"There is one man that I am proud of this week but he's definitely not on this team. If you guys didn't know Coach Dale Earnhardt Ellis Jr, was recently diagnosed with AIDS. He still had the courage to battle through painful treatments this week and kick our ass. The man is an inspiration and you losers should inspire yourselves to play better next game. Onto week 8."

Coach Dale Earnhardt Ellis Jr.
5 straight games decided by less than 10 points has put a heavy burden on Walker's mind and a loss to 2008 Detroit Lions this week could put him over the edge. 2008 is on pace to claim the title as worst fantasy team ever and that makes it win or go home time for NEW DAY ROCKS!!!.




Saturday, October 24, 2015

Hard Knocks: Week 6 Recap



A close loss against a good team can sometimes motivate a team to become great but a close loss against a bad team can have the exact opposite effect. NEW DAY ROCKS!!! took a giant step back in losing to Rustic Raiders in week 6 and will have to find a way to fight through the worst loss of the season.


"You guys are going to drive me to drink on the sidelines instead of just at halftime! How did we lose to THAT team? Their highest scoring player was Chris Ivory. Chris Fucking Ivory! Christ, I guess I'll start with the good as it will take about half the time this week. Big ups to Steve Smiff and Lesean for coming back from injury and tearing it up. And 2 good weeks in a row from you DeMarco? That definitely deserves a game ball. Finally, TB! You are taking advantage of your shitty QB throwing it your way a bunch. Just get in the end zone now." 

"As for the rest of you losers, you better figure it out or I will be making changes around here. Actually, you know what? Cobb, pack your shit, your empty pair of cleats has just been traded for a melted ice cream cone. Who is next? Jimmy, do you want to go cause you are playing like a 12 year old shooting half court shots, brick after brick. Don't worry about a bad week Dion, just don't it happen again or bad things might happen to your family."

I hope this doesn't come back to bite me.
Things then got interesting as Coach Walker broke into tears.

"Guys, I have something I need to get off of my chest. I've known Coach Dale Earnhardt Ellis since 1st grade so we decided to get a drink before the game this week and he ended up stealing our playbook. I know I shouldn't have had it on me but I figured a long time friend wouldn't have stabbed me in the back like that. If you the need to put this loss on somebody, put it on him and channel that anger into the next game. Onto week 7."

As Commissioner Haines looks into the alleged theft, a chance for a redemption looms in week 7 as NEW DAY takes on a depleted and deplorable Dickens Cider. A loss this week might derail a shot at the playoffs and Coach Walker knows it and has guaranteed a victory. Will he join the likes of Joe Namath and Mark Messier or will he end up looking like a fool?