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Monday, April 27, 2015

Furious 7


I finally got my ass to the theater and saw the late Paul Walker (he will only be referred to as my Cuz from now on) in Furious 7. I would have seen it a few weeks ago but the friend I have seen the last 3 films with decided to bust and view it without me. I won't use any names but it starts with a J and rhymes with HOE.

On to the movie and just a heads up, I will be spoiling the shit out of it if you haven't seen it already but honestly shame on you if you haven't by now. The Fast and Furious series is the best franchise ever made and has been known to have just ridiculously awesome opening scenes and Furious 7 did not disappoint.

It opens with Jason Statham (main antagonist) exiting a hospital where he has laid waist to 30+ armed men and decides to blow another up for good measure. This scene sets the tone for the rest of the movie and it definitely follows suit. I'll just cover the main points and action sequences from here on because only 7 people are going to read this (you see what I did there?).

We first find out that my Cuz has been domesticated and relegated to driving a mini van because he has retired from the game but don't worry, he'll be back.

We look just alike
We also learn that The Rock has somehow managed to pack on another 50 lbs of solid muscle. He then encounters Statham and of course they destroy a whole floor of a high rise before The Rock is blown out of the building falling 80 feet and landing on a car although he did get a Rock Bottom in.

Statham then kills Han and blows up my Cuz's house but big homie Vin is there to save his sister's life. I still have no idea what her character's name is.

Enter Coach Herb Brooks (Kurt Russell). He is some sort of militia man and offers the crew an opportunity to find Statham so naturally they say yes. The technology (God's Eye) he tells them about is just a blatant rip off of the one used in The Dark Knight to find the joker but Furious 7 gets a pass because it's baller as fuck and has pulled in $300+ million already. 4 straight weeks at #1!!!!

This results in the crew parachuting cars from and cargo plane to rescue the woman who knows where God's Eye is. It's.....christ......I don't even......awesome. Just watch.

The rescue mission is succesful after Vin purposely crashes his car down a mountain (without a scratch to him) and my Cuz saves himself by running up the side of a bus while it's falling off of a cliff (see trailer below). It literally runs in the family. Fun fact: both of these sequences were real, no CGI. If you don't believe that, you can blow it out your ass (LUDA!).

After the rescue, and not to be outdone by the previous action, they head to Dubai to track down God's Eye and what happens with a car and a few mega skyscrapers is just too real not to be true. See 40 seconds in.

Of course things go wrong and the bad guys end up with God's Eye resulting in the crew being hunted down and setting up the final fight. The Rock makes a triumphant return with a mini gun but not before flexing and busting out of his full arm cast that could not have been more than a week old. No, you can't make that shit up and I almost lost my mind when it happened.


"You thought this was going to be a street fight? You're goddamn right it is." Those were the words uttered by Vin before he faced off with Statham on a parking ramp with giant pipes and wrenches as weapons. That would have been a cool enough fight in itself but it escalates and ends with the parking ramp collapsing, Statham slipping away to later be arrested, Vin flying his car off the ramp into a helicopter full of bad guys, attaching a bag of grenades to it, crashing to the ground, and subsequently dying as the grenades go off. Exactly how Vin planned on going out.

But wait! Good guys don't die and Vin miraculously comes back to life with one of his patented one liners, "It's about time". You have to know the chain of events in previous films to understand that but trust me, classic Vin.

Statham is shipped off to a black site where he remarks, "You do know none of this will keep me right?" Enter Fast 8 in 2017!! FUCK YEA!

The final scene starts on a beach as everybody is enjoying their victory and watching my Cuz play with his wife and son. Vin then leaves without saying goodbye and is sitting at a stop sign when my Cuz pulls up next to him and shines that golden Walker smile. They proceed to drive side by side until the road parts and Vin heads one way and my Cuz the other.

Let me tell you, plenty of tears were being shed at this point and I would have been right there had I not been at the theater by myself like a loser but I can't lie and say that my keyboard hasn't had a tear or two on it for my Cuz. I'll never forget that text from a friend, "Paul Walker died." I would have rather received an "I'm pregnant" text.

Simply put, this movie is the greatest thing to ever appear on the big screen and to quote the great Charles Barkley, "I may be wrong, but I doubt it." RIP Paul. I'll keep pouring some out for ya. 

Your Honorary Cuz,

Eric Walker

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Bailey "Nugget" Walker 2002-Too Soon

Bailey "Nugget" Walker, age 12, passed away today in Rice Lake, WI. He is survived by all 5 members of the Walker household and both of his sisters Chelsea and Peyton "Pey Pey" Walker.

He will always be remembered for taking 8 years to potty train and for his love of running away anytime he wasn't on a leash. Bailey enjoyed going on runs, chewing on anything he could get his teeth on (his younger years), and kicking it with his former Golden Retriever roommate Casey.

Bailey struggled early on in life as the rough streets of Grantsburg, WI tried to drag him into the notorious world of dog fighting. The Walker family showed up just in time to save him from what could only be described as a short life of anger and despair. From there, Bailey thrived and did so well that he even had an opportunity to star in Homeward Bound 5 but decided against it as it would take him away from his beloved family for 6 months.

As the years went by, Big Nugget grew old and blind but he lived life to the fullest and died without any regrets, a thing that many don't get to say. He will be loved and missed by hundreds in the Rice Lake community but he will never be forgotten.

A foundation is being established in his name to support battered and homeless dogs in the Rice Lake area. Contributions can be made to Eric Walker.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Real World Recap Ep. 6 and 7: Pregnancy, Doug, and Chemical Engineers

Joe Haines (@LJ_YOHAUNCE) February 24th, 2014

Alright, first off, I didn't do a recap last week.  I know, I know, I apologize to the one person that reads and actually enjoys it, but there really wasn't anything too important that happened.  The center of last week’s episode focused on Tom and Tom’s utter confusion and frustration of having two attractive women wanting his love and affection.  Times are tough aren't they, Tom? I mean, God, I really hate that too.  Anyway, Tom tells Jamie he hates relationships and titles and all that good stuff. They break it off.  Tom and Hailey start getting all lovey dovey again.  Jamie calls him a man child.  Tom touches Hailey’s leg in the club.  Jamie freaks out.  Tom and Jamie are back together officially with a label. It really was a lame episode that showed too much of Tom’s stupidity and not enough box jumping. 

Speaking of box jumping, Brain did have a few shining moments in last week’s episode. First off he uses “thought records” which are a thing, I guess?  The official definition goes as such: “A thought record is used for cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) to help identify problematic thought patterns.  When used in the treatment of anxiety, a most basic thought record usually includes: the situation in which anxiety was felt, the specific symptoms experienced, the automatic thoughts that were generated, and any rational alternative thoughts.”  I would pay at least ten dollars to see a collection of Brian’s thought records. I could only imagine that they would go something like this:

Brian’s Thought Record

Last night Jenny and our roommates went to a gay bar.  She made out with some female.  This caused me to feel in a way that is equivalent to a betrayed, depressed individual that is in a deep state of dark thought on a negative emotional level which then leads into a negative thought provoking state that initiated emotional reactions in which I responded negatively. I felt angry and betrayed and emotionally perplexed in a negative realm of living. I could not expel this negativity without inappropriate actions.

The automatic thought that came to my head was that I wanted to beat that other chick’s ass for touching my women like that.  I was also thinking about how high the top of that bar was because I think I could have totally jumped on, and or over it. 

My rational alternative thought was that I should just take another shot and yell at Jenny when we get home.

The End


As far as the other roommates go, not much else has happened.  We found out that Jenna didn’t do too well on her 5th grade spelling tests.  Loser, cheese, and Chinese really trip her up.  It’s alright, do your thing.  I can’t spell either.  Hailey has taken over Bird’s spot from last season and has been found more times on the couch than anywhere else.  So that’s nice. Cory and Lauren go out on a nice cable car date and instantly fall back in love.  Cable cars will do that to you.  Cory finally has sex in a bed.  And Lauren is apparently pregnant, so nothing too big.

Oh wait, that’s actually some huge news.  The end of the sixth episode was what the entire seventh episode was all about as we dive into the Cory/Lauren relationship as it takes a huge swerve.  So let me try to break down the twists and turns of this pregnancy scare:

-          Cory and Lauren go on a romantic cable car date that turns into unprotected sex, in a bed, at the end of the night.

-          Lauren wakes up feeling fat and nauseous two days later and decides that she should probably take a pregnancy test.  Apparently if waking up feeling fat and nauseous constitutes getting a pregnancy test than I should have taken 603 of those by now.

-          She goes home and takes the test, with Jenna spotting her, and they both come to a conclusion that the “plus” sign means that it is a positive test and she currently has a bun in the over.

-          Lauren is officially upset.

-          Cory sees her all worked up about something and tries to comfort her.

-          She says she doesn’t want to talk about this on national television, which is a reasonable request to have.

-          Cory explains to her that if she covers up her microphone no one will have any idea of what she is saying, except for the fact that the person next to her has a microphone on and we heard every word that she said.  

-          Laruen tells Cory the breaking news that is currently happening in her womb. Cory does the whole “walk away into a head snapping double take” move (which, if I may add, is the most underrated reaction of all reactions) to show his disapproval with the headline of the day.

-          Cory instantly says that it can’t be his because they only had sex two days ago.  Point for Cory.

-          Lauren rebuttals with the “oh it couldn’t be this other guy I was hooking up with. We used a condom” routine.  Point for Lauren.

-          Cory still denies that it could be his.  Staying strong, Cory. Point for Cory.

-          Laruen then says “Well, that other dude and I didn’t use a condom, but I used Plan B the next day.”  Ouch, bad move by Lauren.  Should have told the truth. Minus fifteen points for Lauren and, more importantly, minus ten thousand points for Plan B.  Talk about negative marketing.  “Hey national television audience! I used a commonly used birth control substance and it didn’t work!”

-          A producer came in to talk to Laruen about the possibility of her leaving the house.  On the one hand she would love to be around supportive people that could help and care for her.  On the other hand she would want to stay on the Real World and show people what it is like to go through moments like this that they may have in their lives. 

-          Lauren made the wise choice of heading home early because, honestly, if people wanted to see what pregnancy was like in the real world they can just tune into MTV at any other given hour of the day.  I don’t need my Real World time infused with Teen Mom 2.  So thank you, Lauren, for making a responsible decision for everyone watching.

-          So, ultimately it is not Cory’s and he gets really, really pissed. 

Cory didn’t help himself in the not-looking-like-a-douche-bag department.  He really came down hard on this poor girl.  He berated her about sleeping with another man when they weren’t together. He said that he wanted nothing to do with her and that he won’t support her through this. In Cory’s eyes I can see why he would be mad.  You just recently fell in love with your first love again and she happens to have a kid with someone that isn’t you.  That is a big pill to swallow. But to make her feel bad by not supporting her through arguably one of the biggest days of her life is pretty scummy.  Not to mention the fact that later on in the evening Cory was spotted hitting on a random girl in the club in front of Lauren.  That is also very low.  Sure, this female happened to be super attractive, but come on, man!  This was the first time in a long time that I actually felt bad for a person on the Real World.  She didn’t do anything stupid all season and seemed like a genuinely nice person. 

The next day Cory gets up and attempts to redeem himself by taking her out to a nice dinner and tries making up for the assholery of the night prior.  It seemed like all was well at the end of the date and Lauren left the show with her and Cory on good terms.  I wish all the best for Lauren in the future and thank you for letting arguably the hugest moment of your life to be captured by cameras and made available for all the world to see. 

Let this be a lesson to the kids out there: Before you need/want that funk, you gotta’ wrap up that junk.

The second biggest story line is the re-budding relationship between Jenny and Brian.  But before all that nonsense DOUG WAS BACK!!!  Yes, that Doug. The Doug that came home with Jenny after a hard night of clubbing on the very first episode.  You may also remember him from making ridiculous faces in Ashley’s bed when he tries to comfort her after an embarrassing night of racial based roommate harassment, or from the awkward moments in the hot tub where he tried to make a move on Jenny. All of these are classic moments in my mind.

Anyway, the second best character on the show finally reemerges from the depths in order bring Jenny flowers in an attempt to take her a dinner date sometime in the near future.  Jenny, of course, declines his advances due to the fact that Doug may be a serial killer, but more importantly that there is an emotionally unstable monster doing a confessional at the same exact moment and he would love to do nothing more than punch a hole through someone’s chest plate.  So Doug came and went, only to give us a faint memory of the magic we once had.  We will miss you Doug.  We will miss you. 

So Jenny and Brian celebrate their 4th or 5th (Brian’s words, not mine) anniversary with a nice dinner that eventually moved back into the kitchen where they made brownies together.  The thing that boggles my mind is that the anniversaries don’t reset after a breakup.  I just feel like that would be the logical thing to happen.  I mean, you have a winning streak as long as you keep winning but once you lose your streak resets on the next win.  Whatever.  This is why I’m single.  I’ll never fully understand this bullshit.  Finally, over their love of baked goods, Jenny and Brian hook up after Brian swore off intercourse for the time being.  After that hookup, and Brian posing like Mr. Fucking Universe at the beach, it seems like all systems are go with this relationship.  That is until boys’ night. 

Now ladies, don’t let an actual boys’ night be confused with the Real World boys’ night.  You see, actual boys’ nights consist of harmless fun and drinking with friends at a proper alcoholic establishment while your coupled friend usually watches as his single friends make asses of themselves. Or he politely plays the wingman for his drunken comrades.  The Real World boys’ nights consist of few of the country’s biggest idiots drinking a five gallon buckets worth of tequila and competing for as much camera time as possible.

Brian did the dumbest thing he could on the first annual Real World boys’ night by asking another woman for her phone number and shoving his tongue down her throat on camera (which is a horrible choice for his and Jenny’s relationship, but a great choice for us watching at home).  But Brian fell for his biggest vice…chemical engineers.  He was going to stay cool and not hit on anyone until he met this chemical engineer in which he responds “oh I better keep a conversation with this woman. She’s a chemical engineer.”  He’s got a point, though.  If you’re looking long term, would you rather be with a chemical engineer who has a stable career path that provides high pay and solid hours, or a woman who will be making club appearances for the next twenty years all while juggling her failed acting career and her numerous reality TV shows?  The man is just keeping his options open. 

Nothing else really happened with the other Roommates on this episode, which seems to be a reoccurring factor with Jay, Jenna, Arielle, and Ashley.

Ashley and Arielle had a little argument because Ashley wanted Arielle to dress more like a girl instead of wearing men’s t-shirts and knit caps all the time.  I think I speak for everyone when I say the knit cap in the summer time is just a poor wardrobe choice anyway, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.  In order to explain her reasoning behind wearing guys clothes, Arielle assembled a transsexual and homosexual Justice League all so they could tell their stories and feelings about what they go through to the rest of the roommates.  It didn’t involve drunken mistakes or Brian being stupid, so I didn’t really pay attention.
That was really it for this week.

The seventh episode was a pretty big one jam packed with drama.  The lead-in to the eighth episode looks like it will be an even bigger episode which showed scenes of the inevitable fallout of Brian’s decision at the club.  The wrath of Jenny is upon us. We also see  Jay finally get emotional because he won’t tell Jenna that he loves her.  I’m really banking on the tears coming from her finding his contact book half full of numbers.

As always I will be posting again next week. Hope you enjoyed it.  And, as always: Keep it real!

Joe Haines (@LJ_YOHAUNCE)
The Lounge Chair Legends

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Got Milk?

Eric Walker

Yea I know the title is a pathetic rip off but it's the content that matters. Last year I decided to keep track of how much milk I drank in 365 days and what I found out kind of disappointed me. Before I tell you the number, let me set the scene for you. I was standing in the kitchen drinking milk(of course) after eating a ridiculous amount of homemade cookies and I looked up and asked my shitty roommate(Neil), "how many gallons of milk do you think I drink in a year?" His lame ass didn't have an answer so I decided to keep track.

The date: February 6th, 2013-0 gallons.

I first had to decide on a system to keep track. That was easy enough as I chose to just keep the caps from each gallon of milk I drank. They were first kept in a drawer and eventually transferred to a big Ziploc bag as I moved twice in the year. I also kept a piece of scratch paper with tally marks as I switched to Kwik Trip's half gallon bags of milk(cause they were cheaper and we'll get to the total cost). One year later, I finally had an answer.

The date: February 6th, 2014-117 gallons.

You might think that is a lot, and it probably is, but I was hoping for a bigger number around 135 or so. Anyways that's my number and let's put it into perspective.

That's a gallon of milk every 3.12 days.

At $3/gallon(rough estimate), I spent $351 on milk over a one year span.

I could have driven my car(if it ran on milk) 3,495 miles. That's coast to coast baby!

If I stacked all of those gallons on top of each other it would be just short of a 10 story building(97.5 ft).

A cow pisses out 5 gallons per day, I drank 1 cows milk output for 23.4 days.

Drinking a gallon an hour it would have taken me 4 days and 21 hours striaght to finish them all.

So maybe I was wrong, it is a lot of milk. Just let this be a lesson to all of the little kids out there, if you don't want old man Osteoporosis to fuck with you, just drink a shit ton of milk. Stay thirsty my friends(mainly for milk but yea alcohol too).

Makes me tear up just looking at this beauty.

Eric Walker
The Lounge Chair Legends

Thursday, February 6, 2014

The Real World Recap Ep. 5: Well That Was Quick

Joe Haines (@LJ_YOHAUNCE): February 6th, 2014

Well, we finally got our first full episode that featured the Exes and boy oh boy has shit changed in a hurry.  We’ve heard a lot of talk about these exes from the original six members of the house (who will now be referred to as the “OG6”) that we weren’t really quite sure who still had feelings and who didn’t.  Feelings changed after every phone call so I wasn’t really sure what the current state of emotion was between the OG6 and their significant ex lovers.  But, like a puppy who shit in the house but still gives you those “I’m sorry, I know you’re mad but I still love you” eyes, it seem likes the OG6 are all rushing back into the arms of the ones they once adored.  It was a very intense episode that featured rekindled love, feats of incredible leaping abilities, and a potential break up.  Let’s box jump into this, shall we?

Let’s start off with the main focus of this episode, which seemed to be the relationship between Jenny and her ex Brian.  First off, I want to say that Brian may be one of my most favorite people ever on the Real World.  Not favorite in a “he’s actually a great person” type of way, but favorite in a “he’s just a jackass” type of way.   The minute that he walks through the doors and meets the OG6, he starts staring daggers at Cory.  He even states at one point in time, after Cory walks through the kitchen, “Oh this is going to get interesting.”  So you know he’s pretty much there to pound Cory’s face in at the drop of a hat, which I’m cool with.  But we also find out that Brian is an intellectual as well…if you’re definition of an intellectual is someone babbling nonsense words to describe their feelings.  When Jenny brings up the fact that he has a temper in an interview with the producers, Brian responds with this gem: “I wish that I wasn’t so erratic within my emotions.  I wish that I could not set a pattern with an extreme behavior within a negative realm.”  Unbelievable.  Brian also gives us a display of his vastly superior athletic ability where he jumps up onto a window sill after asking “think I can box jump this?”  After he proves that he can he instantly starts looking for more challenges around the house.  This guy is amazing.   I can see why Jenny fell for him.

So after the initial shock of her ex living in the house finally sinks in, Jenny throws on a fresh set of makeup and gives Brian a tour around his new digs. This tour includes Jenny describing the bed that she lays her head (and rode Cory in) as “their” bed, as well as a heated argument over what has transpired over the past six weeks next to the shower (WHICH IS SACRED GROUND!  THOSE SHOWERS ARE ONLY DESIGNATED FOR DAILY HYGIENE AND HOT, SOAPY LOVE MAKING, JENNY!  SHAME ON YOU FOR DISCRASING THAT HOLY PLACE! SHAAAAAAAME!)  

Let me take a side step here and talk about Jenny’s moral standings real quick.  About midway through the episode Brian brings up a hypothetical situation that includes him taking a girl back to the house to hook up.  As we all could have guessed, Jenny was not a big fan.  She said that if he ever thought about bringing a chick back home that she would instantly get everyone to vote his ass out of the house.  This is coming from a girl who just had Cory’s crank in body no more than 48 hours ago.  At this point they are still broken up, right?  So I just don’t get it.  Ladies, maybe you could help me out here. If you broke up with a guy, and also had many angry, tear filled phone calls over fucking other people with this person, shouldn’t you not give a shit about them anymore?  It just seems like a complete double standard.  Just because your ex is within eye sight doesn’t mean that you can control what he does again.  I don’t know.  It was just very frustrating to me.  Maybe that’s why I’m still single.  I’ll never understand chicks.

Anyway, back to the measure at hand.  After a few rough days between the two, Jenny and Brian finally have a heart to heart where Jenny confesses that she wants to work things out with Brian and also tells him that she loves him.  LOVES HIM!  This then triggers and epic synchronized double tear cry from Brian and it seems like everything is great again.  It has been two whole days since Jenny was plowed by Cory and a day and a half since Brian stepped into the house and Jenny is already back in love with him.  Good lord.  Big muscles and an IQ similar to a sixth grader must do a lot to an attractive woman’s heart.

We also learned on this episode that the relationship between Jamie and Tom is shattering worse than a cannon ball through a wine glass.  This storyline can pretty much be summed up as “do you still have feelings?”  I swear to God this term has been said on this episode at least two dozen times.  It’s getting to the point to where if you were to make a drinking game out of this phrase being said, you would be calling the ambulance to your house at the half-hour mark because you’ve developed a severe case of alcohol poisoning.  We clearly found out that Jamie has no feelings towards her ex, Cameron, except for violent hate type feelings, but we also find out that Tom is an idiot and still has huge feelings for his ex, Hailey.  In this episode Tom was spotted having heart to hearts with Hailey in the kitchen, on the couch, in the park, in the club, and in her bed while simultaneously feeding her cheese with his bare hands.  Even though he completely denies all of Jamie’s accusations of still having feelings for his ex, we all know Tom is full of shit.  This saddens me because I actually really like Jamie.  In a world where she wasn’t famous because of reality TV and I wasn’t so grotesquely out of shape, I could see us together.  I’m also 100 percent sure that Jamie has mind control powers and uses them on Tom.  I’m on to you, Hailey.  You can’t get your witchcraft past me.

So after the wishy washy “You don’t have to worry about her, we’re together” talk from Tom, the date at the park finally arrives, and Jamie, as well as the other roommates, are out on a mission to try to set Hailey up with a new man.  Well, as we all could probably guess, Tom is not a big fan of this campaign.  You can see Tom a few times during the park scene shaking as if he was staring at the man who killed his entire family.  After a short conversation with Jenny where Tom claims that he “hates relationships”, Jamie comes over and Tom begins to drop the bomb on her just before the episode comes to an end.  Look, I get that Hailey was your first love, and I get that she was the first woman that you fugged, but if you guys broke up there had to be a reason, right?  That’s what I don’t get about any of these OG6/ex couples – why don’t you just move on?  You have that TV exposure now.  There are greener pastures ahead. 

There wasn’t much mention of Jay or Cory in this episode.  Besides Jay talking to his ex, Jenna, he only had a short cameo where we saw him absolutely distraught over the fact that he can no longer get random women’s phone numbers in VIP.  This was Jay’s lifeblood, and the fact that Jenna is taking that away from him sickens me.  How will he survive?  Will he still attempt to limit out his contact list? We will never know.  For the sake of everyone watching, I sure hope so.  Cory was seen a few times throughout this episode just talking to his ex, Lauren.  They had a nice scene at the park where he confronted her about their relationship and he was upset at the fact that with her there, the idea of him or her bringing people home to destroy sexually just isn’t going to happen.  But the main take away from his appearance in this episode is that he once again hooked up in the shower, but this time with Lauren.  This man just absolutely loves these showers.  It’s crazy.  There has to be a rehabilitation center that focuses on wet tile love making, right?  The greatest part of that scene was when Jenny saw them in the shower and looked absolutely disgusted.  I don’t think she was disgusted at the fact that he was hooking up with Lauren, but disgusted in the fact that he had the nerve to fool around with her in the shower.  She loved that just as much as you, Cory.  That was YOUR place.  Don’t bring another bear into the den, man.  Not cool.

With all that said, this season had a lot of promise up until this point.  It looks to me as if we are drifting away from crazy house drama and resorting back to stupid relationship drama. I want The Real World, not Teen Mom 2.  We can see that there will be a lot of altercations between the roommates coming up in the episodes ahead based on the teaser for the rest of the season (as well as a pregnancy.  Please be Jay and his phonebook!), but I still have to believe it’s because of relationships and not because Brian shit on Cory while he was sleeping.  But as long as the booze keeps flowing, and there are pitiful human beings involved, there is always promise. 

Joe Haines (@LJ_YOHAUNCE)
Co Creator

The Lounge Chair Legends