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Saturday, October 31, 2015

Hard Knocks: Week 7 Recap

In the modern age when you fail to back up a guarantee, not only do you look like a fool, you get taken apart by social media. Coach Walker was toasted on Twitter being called "an absolute choke artist," "a fucking clown," and "frustrating to watch." The icing on the cake was Walker being called by NHL hall of famer Mark Messier. He informed Walker that the next time he feels like throwing around a guarantee, he should keep his washed up mouth shut.

"Guys, the loss this week can be put on one person and one person only. Jimmy Graham. What the FUCK Jimmy? You came to my office and told me to start you because you were going to have a big week. If a big week consists of 5 points then we need to reassess your position on the team. Fuck it Jimmy, the first person I can sucker into a trade for you, you're gone."

5 minutes pass

"Alright Jimmy, pack your shit and get the fuck out. Guys, welcome Eric Ebron to the team and while I'm making moves, Dion and John Brown get out of my sight. I would rather have Woodhead and Landry any damn day. Now that things have calmed down a little bit, lets talk about what we can do to get this shit storm turned around. How about we just score more points? Can you losers do that for me? If not, let me know and I'll trade your ass."

"There is one man that I am proud of this week but he's definitely not on this team. If you guys didn't know Coach Dale Earnhardt Ellis Jr, was recently diagnosed with AIDS. He still had the courage to battle through painful treatments this week and kick our ass. The man is an inspiration and you losers should inspire yourselves to play better next game. Onto week 8."

Coach Dale Earnhardt Ellis Jr.
5 straight games decided by less than 10 points has put a heavy burden on Walker's mind and a loss to 2008 Detroit Lions this week could put him over the edge. 2008 is on pace to claim the title as worst fantasy team ever and that makes it win or go home time for NEW DAY ROCKS!!!.

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Hard Knocks: Week 6 Recap

A close loss against a good team can sometimes motivate a team to become great but a close loss against a bad team can have the exact opposite effect. NEW DAY ROCKS!!! took a giant step back in losing to Rustic Raiders in week 6 and will have to find a way to fight through the worst loss of the season.

"You guys are going to drive me to drink on the sidelines instead of just at halftime! How did we lose to THAT team? Their highest scoring player was Chris Ivory. Chris Fucking Ivory! Christ, I guess I'll start with the good as it will take about half the time this week. Big ups to Steve Smiff and Lesean for coming back from injury and tearing it up. And 2 good weeks in a row from you DeMarco? That definitely deserves a game ball. Finally, TB! You are taking advantage of your shitty QB throwing it your way a bunch. Just get in the end zone now." 

"As for the rest of you losers, you better figure it out or I will be making changes around here. Actually, you know what? Cobb, pack your shit, your empty pair of cleats has just been traded for a melted ice cream cone. Who is next? Jimmy, do you want to go cause you are playing like a 12 year old shooting half court shots, brick after brick. Don't worry about a bad week Dion, just don't it happen again or bad things might happen to your family."

I hope this doesn't come back to bite me.
Things then got interesting as Coach Walker broke into tears.

"Guys, I have something I need to get off of my chest. I've known Coach Dale Earnhardt Ellis since 1st grade so we decided to get a drink before the game this week and he ended up stealing our playbook. I know I shouldn't have had it on me but I figured a long time friend wouldn't have stabbed me in the back like that. If you the need to put this loss on somebody, put it on him and channel that anger into the next game. Onto week 7."

As Commissioner Haines looks into the alleged theft, a chance for a redemption looms in week 7 as NEW DAY takes on a depleted and deplorable Dickens Cider. A loss this week might derail a shot at the playoffs and Coach Walker knows it and has guaranteed a victory. Will he join the likes of Joe Namath and Mark Messier or will he end up looking like a fool?

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Hard Knocks: Week 5 Recap

Another week and another W for NEW DAY ROCKS!!! Yet again Coach Walker made an egregious personnel blunder but his team was just barely able to rise up and put down The Upside. It will read as a 6 point win in the books but the game was never really in doubt as perennial bottom feeder Coach Tomesh proved to be no match.

"I would be mad at you guys for playing like a bunch of chump ass shit birds but we got the W and at this point, that is all that matters. It was nice though to see our running backs both show up in the same week so we have that going for us. The rest of you guys.....fucking suck. Randall, I mean what the hell did I spend so much money on? You are on the same team as the 2nd coming of Jesus Christ and you ended up with 5 points? You better figure something out and get that shaky offense working again."
RIP Jamaal and The Upside
"Hey Percy! Guess what I could have started this week instead of you and been better off? A FUCKING BOWL OF CEREAL. You lost me points? I'm out here trying to build a dynasty and you are losing me points? I hope you like the bench because that is where you are going to be for the foreseeable future. As for the rest of you, you don't even deserve a comment."

"You shouldn't even need to question who the game ball is going to this week. Dion Lewis! I know its not hard to make the Cowboys look incompetent but you did it with ease. That and every other team is still offering up trades for you. Nice work."

"If you guys need some bulletin board material to get you ready for our next match up just know that the piece of garbage running Rustic Raiders has been chirping a lot of nonsense about how he is going to win this week. Get ready for a bloodbath boys. Onto week 6."

Delusional might be the best word to describe Coach Walker at this point in the season as he seems unconcerned with the fact that his team has put up embarrassing numbers in back to back weeks. With that being said, you can't ignore the 2 additions to NEW DAY'S win column and the chance to win another against a very soft opponent in week 6.

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Hard Knocks: Week 4 Recap

When a professional golfer steps up to the tee box, he knows where the ball is going to land. He has put in countless hours to create a reliable and consistent swing. The exact opposite can be said for an amateur as the tee shot is set up with no prayer of going where it's intended. The ball may start off fine but will eventually slice and end up 75 yards short of its potential. Fantasy Football is an amateur golfer at its finest and Coach Walker experienced it first hand in week 4.

"I'm almost speechless after that win guys. You played SO fucking bad but somehow managed to squeak out a win. I mean, it was just a horseshit effort all around. Do you know who you just played? That drunk scrub Tim Riggins! Annoying ass Lyla Garrity! And Matt Sarasuck! All I can say is that if you would have lost that game, heads were gonna roll. Anyways, we've got a light bench this week so we're gonna need every starter to perform for once. Dig into the playbook and prep for this next chump."

Steve Smiff discussing his anticipated return to NEW DAY
"Game ball goes to Jimmy Graham for being just not shitty enough to get us the W on Monday. And one last thing. Stand up Reggie. Everybody take a good look because this is the last time Reggie is going to be putting on a NEW DAY jersey. You're fucking cut! Get your things and get out of my face. Onto Week 5."

NEW DAY now has a string of 4 weeks where it will be a heavy favorite and it needs to capitalize. There are currently 9 teams within 1 game of first place and a streak in either direction at this point will make or break the season.

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Hard Knocks: Week 3 Recap

Much like a flash of lightning, fantasy projections come and go without warning. That was the case with NEW DAY ROCKS!!! in week 3. With a projected 30 point win late into the first round of games, lightning struck in the form of 5 TD's in 5 minutes for HainesHumpsHeifers leaving NEW DAY demoralized and a huge underdog heading into the afternoon. The score remained fairly unchanged leading into Monday Night's match up between The Chiefs and The Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread. Not even God could throw enough TD's to Randall Cobb to overcome the 37 point deficit. It's another L in the standings for NEW DAY.

"LISTEN UP AND LISTEN GOOD! You see that locker over there that's empty? That's what the fuck happens when you put up a goose egg and cost the team the W. You could blame it on me for starting that empty pair of shoes Vernon but all he had to do was get 1 catch for 7 yards. ONLY 1 CATCH! MATTHEW SHIT BIRD STAFFORD EVEN HAD A CATCH! I am just disgusted with this team right now. You guys just lost to a team you should have beat by 50 and you don't even seem to care."

"I'm sick of this shit and we need to turn it around quick. Big Ben! I thought you were a goddamn warrior, invincible out on the field? You let some turd fall on your leg and you're out 4-6 weeks? Knee injuries are for washed up 26 year olds trying to relive their hey day in a high school gym. COME ON! Steve, helluva week out there, I expect more of the same next week and I'll see the rest of you bums at practice on Monday."

Turmoil between Coach Walker and the players seems to be growing at an exponential rate and only one thing can fix it. Winning. NEW DAY looks to rebound in week 4 against a very weak opponent but they will have to get the W with Alex Smith at the helm. A very tricky task indeed.