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Saturday, October 3, 2015

Hard Knocks: Week 3 Recap

Much like a flash of lightning, fantasy projections come and go without warning. That was the case with NEW DAY ROCKS!!! in week 3. With a projected 30 point win late into the first round of games, lightning struck in the form of 5 TD's in 5 minutes for HainesHumpsHeifers leaving NEW DAY demoralized and a huge underdog heading into the afternoon. The score remained fairly unchanged leading into Monday Night's match up between The Chiefs and The Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread. Not even God could throw enough TD's to Randall Cobb to overcome the 37 point deficit. It's another L in the standings for NEW DAY.

"LISTEN UP AND LISTEN GOOD! You see that locker over there that's empty? That's what the fuck happens when you put up a goose egg and cost the team the W. You could blame it on me for starting that empty pair of shoes Vernon but all he had to do was get 1 catch for 7 yards. ONLY 1 CATCH! MATTHEW SHIT BIRD STAFFORD EVEN HAD A CATCH! I am just disgusted with this team right now. You guys just lost to a team you should have beat by 50 and you don't even seem to care."

"I'm sick of this shit and we need to turn it around quick. Big Ben! I thought you were a goddamn warrior, invincible out on the field? You let some turd fall on your leg and you're out 4-6 weeks? Knee injuries are for washed up 26 year olds trying to relive their hey day in a high school gym. COME ON! Steve, helluva week out there, I expect more of the same next week and I'll see the rest of you bums at practice on Monday."

Turmoil between Coach Walker and the players seems to be growing at an exponential rate and only one thing can fix it. Winning. NEW DAY looks to rebound in week 4 against a very weak opponent but they will have to get the W with Alex Smith at the helm. A very tricky task indeed.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Hard Knocks: Week 2 Recap

Oooh kill em oooh.

As an 0-2 start loomed, NEW DAY ROCKS!!! rose to the occasion and left the JOD Juggernauts lying in a pile of blood, urine, and vomit. A big win against an even bigger rival just might be what the team needeed to get the season back on track and they definitely parted like it mattered led by Coach Walker.

"EHHHHHHHHH Welcome back to the win column babababy! Hell of an effort out there guys. I mean nothing makes me happier than laying waste to that excuse of a team. It was like taking candy from a grown ass baby and it was BEAUTIFUL! Big Ben! Great game and Steeeeve Smiff! That's right, I never lost faith in you and that's why you got the start and your last name back. Nice work. Randall, if God is gonna keep throwing you the football, keep catching em! Get your head up LeSean, you'll get that endzone soon enough.

"It was a big win but let's not get too carried...Steve, put the goddamn champagne away, it's week 2. As I was saying we still have a lot of ball left to play and a few players need to figure this football shit out. You're like 6'12'' with a 50 inch vertical Jimmy, tell mini Jesus to throw it up to you every play and snag a TD or 2. Get it together DeMarco, I see you crying in your locker over there. What do you have like 11 rush yards right now? I think Walter Payton has more this season and I don't even know if he's still alive. All in all though, nice work guys and let's get ready for this next victim."

"I almost forgot, game ball goes to Dion Lewis. I made a poor managerial decision in not starting you this week and you KILLED IT but that won't happen again. Teams are lining up to trade for you right now so keep it rolling and stay hungry. That goes for everybody. On to week 3"

Another week down means another week closer to playoff time and a chance at winning the Golden Plate Trophy. A win against a rival is a great momentum builder heading into week 3 but will NEW DAY have a let down against an inferior opponent like so many weeks before? Only time will tell.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Hard Knocks: Week 1 Recap

Winning in week 1 is not a must if you want to bring home a championship but losing and getting embarrassed along the way is not the best path to start a new season. NEW DAY ROCKS!!! has chosen the latter option.

Points left on the bench, missed opportunities, and a lack enthusiasm all led to an opening week loss for Coach Walker. Had all of those things been reversed, NEW DAY was still going to lose as they were clearly the inferior team but that did not stop Coach Walker from laying into his team after the game.

"Well guys, thanks for coming out with a dud and laying a FAT FUCKING EGG! I mean you guys got embarrassed. I know some of that blame falls on me but COME ON! Percy! Why didn't you tell me you were going to do something other than create turmoil with teammates? I would have definitely started you over Steve Smiff who somehow managed to catch an incredible 2 BALLS! 2 STEVE? 2? You can find yourself a seat on the bench next week and I'm changing your name back to Smith. You gotta earn the Smiff!"

Walker continued

"LeSean, where was your head tonight? You were more disappointing than my last 3 girlfriends COMBINED! I spent too damn much money for you to be putting out like THAT. And Houston, was that Phil Mickelson's score on the front 9 or how many points you gave up? JESUS. And Randall, quit with the shoulder tears and score some more points. You are on God's gift to Earth after all."

Not all was negative though

"But to end on a high note, nice work Jimmy, Big Ben, and DeMarco. You 3 are going to have to carry this team, so keep it up. Dion, I'm sorry for wasting your only week in double digits. Now let's get ready for next week. We've got a cupcake opponent with a joke of a head coach and we CANNOT lose this one."

The joke that Walker is referring to is of course long time rival and enemy, Coach Haines. Both teams will be hungry for a win with the loser fading to 0-2 and almost securing a spot on the bench come playoff time.

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Hard Knocks: Fantasy Football With NEW DAY ROCKS!!!

Every year around the turn of Summer to Fall, America's most popular sport returns to the main stage and along with it comes Fantasy Football. This year HBO has decided to cover the controversial NEW DAY ROCKS!!! and their outspoken Manager/GM/President/Coach Eric Walker. This years team name is drawn from the current WWE tag team champions "The New Day" as Coach Walker will try to regain his championship glory following a tumultuous 2015 Paper Plate League where his team faltered to an embarrassing 9th place finish.

Back to back championships in 2009 (Paper Plate League) and 2010 (Grem Grem) are now a distant memory and Walker is likely on the outs if he cannot find a way to at least make the playoffs this season. Where does one go to build a championship caliber team? The 2015 draft of course. Coach Walker will try a new strategy this year of drafting RB's that aren't just a pair of shoes and only time will tell if it is going to pay off.

                       QB-Ben (goddamn warrior) Rothliesberger

                                        RB-Demarco Murray

                                          RB-Lesean McCoy

                                         WR-Randall Cobb

                                         WR-Steve Smiff Sr.

                                         TE-Jimmy Graham

                                         Flex-Mike Wallace

                                          Flex-Pierre Garcon


Bench-Matthew Stafford, Percy Harvin, Fred Jackson, Vernon Davis, Andre Williams, Dion Lewis.

With all 12 teams in the Paper Plate League drafted, and the new season only days away, agony will set in as Coach Walker looks to find the right group of starters that just may save his season and his career.

Coming up this season: recaps, highlights, and breakdowns of each terrible managerial decision made by Coach Walker.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Annoying Things

4 years ago I made a list of things that annoy me and it's about time to create a new one.
  • Getting email after email after email from places that you have purchased something online. No Macys, I don't want 10% off my next order so you can mess that one up too. Other offenders: Kohls and Victorias Secret (although I do appreciate the random catalogs).
  • When somebody makes a reference to "winning or breaking the internet." The only ones who win the internet are the cable companies and coincidentally they are also the ones who break it.
  • This whole killing of the lion thing and people being social media weekend warriors. I'll let Bill Maher sum it up. 
  • Bumper stickers and a couple in general. The one that says "my son/daughter is a honor roll student at so and so middle school." Awesome, your kid can find the slope of a line and memorize the periodic table. The other one being that stupid 26.2 bumper sticker. Oh you ran a marathon? So did this guy and although he didn't "run" it, he now has the same bumper sticker as you. Not impressed.  
  • All of the hatred towards Tiger Woods. Christ people, he slept with a few.......hundred women and now sucks at golf but you are going to throw him under the bus like that? I think most people are just mad that they now have to be good role models for their own kids. 
  • Having to watch a 30 second ad about some overpriced car just to watch a 15 second sports highlight. I'm looking at you
  • People who use Facebook as a platform to complain about how hard life is to a host of people who genuinely don't care. Listen to Louis ck and let him solve everything for you.
  • Watches being worn on the inside of wrists.
  • The word "staycation" and referring to Target as "Tar-jay."
  • During summer when that occasional cold day comes along and that one idiot goes "haha so much for global warming." Don't you remember The Day After Tomorrow? Super scientist Dennis Quaid told us that the world would freeze because of global warming.
  • TV shows that have unnecessarily long intros. Anything over 30 seconds is too long unless it is an awesome intro or has an awesome song to go along with it. An example of something that covers both of these criteria is The Sopranos. 

Yes, this is a real TV show.

  • People who blog about things that annoy them.....shit!
Eric Walker