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Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Annoying Things

4 years ago I made a list of things that annoy me and it's about time to create a new one.
  • Getting email after email after email from places that you have purchased something online. No Macys, I don't want 10% off my next order so you can mess that one up too. Other offenders: Kohls and Victorias Secret (although I do appreciate the random catalogs).
  • When somebody makes a reference to "winning or breaking the internet." The only ones who win the internet are the cable companies and coincidentally they are also the ones who break it.
  • This whole killing of the lion thing and people being social media weekend warriors. I'll let Bill Maher sum it up. 
  • Bumper stickers and a couple in general. The one that says "my son/daughter is a honor roll student at so and so middle school." Awesome, your kid can find the slope of a line and memorize the periodic table. The other one being that stupid 26.2 bumper sticker. Oh you ran a marathon? So did this guy and although he didn't "run" it, he now has the same bumper sticker as you. Not impressed.  
  • All of the hatred towards Tiger Woods. Christ people, he slept with a few.......hundred women and now sucks at golf but you are going to throw him under the bus like that? I think most people are just mad that they now have to be good role models for their own kids. 
  • Having to watch a 30 second ad about some overpriced car just to watch a 15 second sports highlight. I'm looking at you
  • People who use Facebook as a platform to complain about how hard life is to a host of people who genuinely don't care. Listen to Louis ck and let him solve everything for you.
  • Watches being worn on the inside of wrists.
  • The word "staycation" and referring to Target as "Tar-jay."
  • During summer when that occasional cold day comes along and that one idiot goes "haha so much for global warming." Don't you remember The Day After Tomorrow? Super scientist Dennis Quaid told us that the world would freeze because of global warming.
  • TV shows that have unnecessarily long intros. Anything over 30 seconds is too long unless it is an awesome intro or has an awesome song to go along with it. An example of something that covers both of these criteria is The Sopranos. 

Yes, this is a real TV show.

  • People who blog about things that annoy them.....shit!
Eric Walker

Monday, July 13, 2015

Old Busted Joint, New Hotness

If you are a friend on Snapchat, you've seen me run snaps called "old busted joint, new hotness." Well folks, I can finally show some real love to the original and if you have not clue what I'm talking about, you're probably not a Will Smiff fan.
From a 1992 Dodge Spirit to a 2002 Chevy Cavalier to a 2013 Mazda 3, my life, in terms of cars has not gone as I had planned in a class called Dollars and Sense during senior year. At 26, I was supposed to be driving an Aston Martin in the Summer and a Bugatti in the Winter. How would I manage that you ask? Because I would also be living on my private island with my own golf course designed by Tiger Woods AND Arnold Palmer while being married to Jessica Alba with Jessica Biel as a side piece. Mrs. Unbehaun didn't teach us to dream THAT big but I did anyways.
As I previously mentioned, my car life altered its course a while back so let's take a look where I am today with a little compare and contrast.

Old Busted Joint ('02 Chevy Cav)          New Hotness ('13 Mazda 3)
                   Price: (Cavalier listed first throughout)
                   $6,000 straight cash courtesy of my rents          
                   $12,769 straight finance courtesy of being an adult      
                   Miles at Purchase:

                   MPG (HWY):
                   33 mpg    
                   40 mpg    

                   0-60 mph:
                   8-9 blocks                                                  
                   8.3 seconds

                   Top Speed:
                   107 mph!!                                          
                   TBD (We'll find this out one drunk night. Jk momma)
                   Trunk Space (in terms of bodies RIP Tony Soprano):
                   About 3.5
                   Just a leg under 3
                   Times Pulled Over:
                   1 (10 mph over on main street RL, lucky I didnt catch 5-10 for                    that)

                   Parking Tickets:
                   Fuck all 5 of them
                   0 (This is bound to change)               

                   % Chance of Being Stolen:
                   0% minus 35-40%
                   3.45% (I just made this up because I hope it doesn't happen)

                   Makeout Sessions with Loose Women in the Back Seat:
                   Too many                                                     
                   Not enough (J. Alba?)

And that's all there is to it. Instead of spending my Sunday night looking up car insurance rates for New Hotness (here new name!), I spent it doing this.

Eric Walker          

Monday, June 8, 2015

World Record Attempt

My last 2 posts have been about big homie Nugget, and my cuz Paul passing away so I decided to do try something so inspirational and uplifting that even Bo Dallas would be proud.
Watch some WWE if you don't know.
5 days ago, I decided I was going to break the Mile Run World Record.

But before I get to that, let me give you a brief history of running in 2 words: IT SUCKS. In the longer version, running started around 20,000 bc (or so, I don't care) when cavemen had to run from saber tooth tigers, wooly mammoths, and what not. From there, Romans used it to get messages from one part of their vast empire to the next and it eventually made its way to the Olympic games. The modern age of running came when people actually decided to do this for fun. Not for sport, not for survival, but for fun! I mean, other than running away from ex girlfriends that won't leave you alone. 

This whole running thing began a couple of years ago when I read the book Born to Run. It essentially covers a lot of people who can run really long distances without dying and it made me feel like a joke that I struggled to run a mile or two at the time. So I drank the kool-aid, got into the game, and even bought a pair of those toe shoes (I WANT MY REFUND BITCHES!).
This is actually a pretty good book.
Fast forward those couple of years and you will find me sitting at work last week with one random thought leading to another and I looked up the current world record for the mile: 3:43.12 JESUS WALK ON WATER CHRIST! My running career up to this point had maxed out at 6.2 miles so I thought this would be something "easier" to tackle.
Watching the video inspired me, or just gave me an idea for a ridiculous blog post, but I decided at that moment that I was going to give the world record a shot. On Sunday June 7th, I strapped on my Nike joints, put my headphones in with some Taylor Swift blaring and went for it.............and came up just short.
This is pretty pathetic according to WR standards. 
Wellllll, I was a little more than "just short" but if you ever reach your goals, you are probably setting them too low. Let this be a lesson to you young punks out there. If you decide to try run the fastest mile in the history of mankind, you probably shouldn't do it on your 4th run in the last calendar year but like I said, dream big or you'll probably end up blogging about your failures. Shit.

Eric Walker

Monday, April 27, 2015

Furious 7


I finally got my ass to the theater and saw the late Paul Walker (he will only be referred to as my Cuz from now on) in Furious 7. I would have seen it a few weeks ago but the friend I have seen the last 3 films with decided to bust and view it without me. I won't use any names but it starts with a J and rhymes with HOE.

On to the movie and just a heads up, I will be spoiling the shit out of it if you haven't seen it already but honestly shame on you if you haven't by now. The Fast and Furious series is the best franchise ever made and has been known to have just ridiculously awesome opening scenes and Furious 7 did not disappoint.

It opens with Jason Statham (main antagonist) exiting a hospital where he has laid waist to 30+ armed men and decides to blow another up for good measure. This scene sets the tone for the rest of the movie and it definitely follows suit. I'll just cover the main points and action sequences from here on because only 7 people are going to read this (you see what I did there?).

We first find out that my Cuz has been domesticated and relegated to driving a mini van because he has retired from the game but don't worry, he'll be back.

We look just alike
We also learn that The Rock has somehow managed to pack on another 50 lbs of solid muscle. He then encounters Statham and of course they destroy a whole floor of a high rise before The Rock is blown out of the building falling 80 feet and landing on a car although he did get a Rock Bottom in.

Statham then kills Han and blows up my Cuz's house but big homie Vin is there to save his sister's life. I still have no idea what her character's name is.

Enter Coach Herb Brooks (Kurt Russell). He is some sort of militia man and offers the crew an opportunity to find Statham so naturally they say yes. The technology (God's Eye) he tells them about is just a blatant rip off of the one used in The Dark Knight to find the joker but Furious 7 gets a pass because it's baller as fuck and has pulled in $300+ million already. 4 straight weeks at #1!!!!

This results in the crew parachuting cars from and cargo plane to rescue the woman who knows where God's Eye is. It's.....christ......I don't even......awesome. Just watch.

The rescue mission is succesful after Vin purposely crashes his car down a mountain (without a scratch to him) and my Cuz saves himself by running up the side of a bus while it's falling off of a cliff (see trailer below). It literally runs in the family. Fun fact: both of these sequences were real, no CGI. If you don't believe that, you can blow it out your ass (LUDA!).

After the rescue, and not to be outdone by the previous action, they head to Dubai to track down God's Eye and what happens with a car and a few mega skyscrapers is just too real not to be true. See 40 seconds in.

Of course things go wrong and the bad guys end up with God's Eye resulting in the crew being hunted down and setting up the final fight. The Rock makes a triumphant return with a mini gun but not before flexing and busting out of his full arm cast that could not have been more than a week old. No, you can't make that shit up and I almost lost my mind when it happened.


"You thought this was going to be a street fight? You're goddamn right it is." Those were the words uttered by Vin before he faced off with Statham on a parking ramp with giant pipes and wrenches as weapons. That would have been a cool enough fight in itself but it escalates and ends with the parking ramp collapsing, Statham slipping away to later be arrested, Vin flying his car off the ramp into a helicopter full of bad guys, attaching a bag of grenades to it, crashing to the ground, and subsequently dying as the grenades go off. Exactly how Vin planned on going out.

But wait! Good guys don't die and Vin miraculously comes back to life with one of his patented one liners, "It's about time". You have to know the chain of events in previous films to understand that but trust me, classic Vin.

Statham is shipped off to a black site where he remarks, "You do know none of this will keep me right?" Enter Fast 8 in 2017!! FUCK YEA!

The final scene starts on a beach as everybody is enjoying their victory and watching my Cuz play with his wife and son. Vin then leaves without saying goodbye and is sitting at a stop sign when my Cuz pulls up next to him and shines that golden Walker smile. They proceed to drive side by side until the road parts and Vin heads one way and my Cuz the other.

Let me tell you, plenty of tears were being shed at this point and I would have been right there had I not been at the theater by myself like a loser but I can't lie and say that my keyboard hasn't had a tear or two on it for my Cuz. I'll never forget that text from a friend, "Paul Walker died." I would have rather received an "I'm pregnant" text.

Simply put, this movie is the greatest thing to ever appear on the big screen and to quote the great Charles Barkley, "I may be wrong, but I doubt it." RIP Paul. I'll keep pouring some out for ya. 

Your Honorary Cuz,

Eric Walker

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Bailey "Nugget" Walker 2002-Too Soon

Bailey "Nugget" Walker, age 12, passed away today in Rice Lake, WI. He is survived by all 5 members of the Walker household and both of his sisters Chelsea and Peyton "Pey Pey" Walker.

He will always be remembered for taking 8 years to potty train and for his love of running away anytime he wasn't on a leash. Bailey enjoyed going on runs, chewing on anything he could get his teeth on (his younger years), and kicking it with his former Golden Retriever roommate Casey.

Bailey struggled early on in life as the rough streets of Grantsburg, WI tried to drag him into the notorious world of dog fighting. The Walker family showed up just in time to save him from what could only be described as a short life of anger and despair. From there, Bailey thrived and did so well that he even had an opportunity to star in Homeward Bound 5 but decided against it as it would take him away from his beloved family for 6 months.

As the years went by, Big Nugget grew old and blind but he lived life to the fullest and died without any regrets, a thing that many don't get to say. He will be loved and missed by hundreds in the Rice Lake community but he will never be forgotten.

A foundation is being established in his name to support battered and homeless dogs in the Rice Lake area. Contributions can be made to Eric Walker.