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Monday, July 13, 2015

Old Busted Joint, New Hotness

If you are a friend on Snapchat, you've seen me run snaps called "old busted joint, new hotness." Well folks, I can finally show some real love to the original and if you have not clue what I'm talking about, you're probably not a Will Smiff fan.
From a 1992 Dodge Spirit to a 2002 Chevy Cavalier to a 2013 Mazda 3, my life, in terms of cars has not gone as I had planned in a class called Dollars and Sense during senior year. At 26, I was supposed to be driving an Aston Martin in the Summer and a Bugatti in the Winter. How would I manage that you ask? Because I would also be living on my private island with my own golf course designed by Tiger Woods AND Arnold Palmer while being married to Jessica Alba with Jessica Biel as a side piece. Mrs. Unbehaun didn't teach us to dream THAT big but I did anyways.
As I previously mentioned, my car life altered its course a while back so let's take a look where I am today with a little compare and contrast.

Old Busted Joint ('02 Chevy Cav)          New Hotness ('13 Mazda 3)
                   Price: (Cavalier listed first throughout)
                   $6,000 straight cash courtesy of my rents          
                   $12,769 straight finance courtesy of being an adult      
                   Miles at Purchase:

                   MPG (HWY):
                   33 mpg    
                   40 mpg    

                   0-60 mph:
                   8-9 blocks                                                  
                   8.3 seconds

                   Top Speed:
                   107 mph!!                                          
                   TBD (We'll find this out one drunk night. Jk momma)
                   Trunk Space (in terms of bodies RIP Tony Soprano):
                   About 3.5
                   Just a leg under 3
                   Times Pulled Over:
                   1 (10 mph over on main street RL, lucky I didnt catch 5-10 for                    that)

                   Parking Tickets:
                   Fuck all 5 of them
                   0 (This is bound to change)               

                   % Chance of Being Stolen:
                   0% minus 35-40%
                   3.45% (I just made this up because I hope it doesn't happen)

                   Makeout Sessions with Loose Women in the Back Seat:
                   Too many                                                     
                   Not enough (J. Alba?)

And that's all there is to it. Instead of spending my Sunday night looking up car insurance rates for New Hotness (here new name!), I spent it doing this.

Eric Walker          

Monday, June 8, 2015

World Record Attempt

My last 2 posts have been about big homie Nugget, and my cuz Paul passing away so I decided to do try something so inspirational and uplifting that even Bo Dallas would be proud.
Watch some WWE if you don't know.
5 days ago, I decided I was going to break the Mile Run World Record.

But before I get to that, let me give you a brief history of running in 2 words: IT SUCKS. In the longer version, running started around 20,000 bc (or so, I don't care) when cavemen had to run from saber tooth tigers, wooly mammoths, and what not. From there, Romans used it to get messages from one part of their vast empire to the next and it eventually made its way to the Olympic games. The modern age of running came when people actually decided to do this for fun. Not for sport, not for survival, but for fun! I mean, other than running away from ex girlfriends that won't leave you alone. 

This whole running thing began a couple of years ago when I read the book Born to Run. It essentially covers a lot of people who can run really long distances without dying and it made me feel like a joke that I struggled to run a mile or two at the time. So I drank the kool-aid, got into the game, and even bought a pair of those toe shoes (I WANT MY REFUND BITCHES!).
This is actually a pretty good book.
Fast forward those couple of years and you will find me sitting at work last week with one random thought leading to another and I looked up the current world record for the mile: 3:43.12 JESUS WALK ON WATER CHRIST! My running career up to this point had maxed out at 6.2 miles so I thought this would be something "easier" to tackle.
Watching the video inspired me, or just gave me an idea for a ridiculous blog post, but I decided at that moment that I was going to give the world record a shot. On Sunday June 7th, I strapped on my Nike joints, put my headphones in with some Taylor Swift blaring and went for it.............and came up just short.
This is pretty pathetic according to WR standards. 
Wellllll, I was a little more than "just short" but if you ever reach your goals, you are probably setting them too low. Let this be a lesson to you young punks out there. If you decide to try run the fastest mile in the history of mankind, you probably shouldn't do it on your 4th run in the last calendar year but like I said, dream big or you'll probably end up blogging about your failures. Shit.

Eric Walker

Monday, April 27, 2015

Furious 7


I finally got my ass to the theater and saw the late Paul Walker (he will only be referred to as my Cuz from now on) in Furious 7. I would have seen it a few weeks ago but the friend I have seen the last 3 films with decided to bust and view it without me. I won't use any names but it starts with a J and rhymes with HOE.

On to the movie and just a heads up, I will be spoiling the shit out of it if you haven't seen it already but honestly shame on you if you haven't by now. The Fast and Furious series is the best franchise ever made and has been known to have just ridiculously awesome opening scenes and Furious 7 did not disappoint.

It opens with Jason Statham (main antagonist) exiting a hospital where he has laid waist to 30+ armed men and decides to blow another up for good measure. This scene sets the tone for the rest of the movie and it definitely follows suit. I'll just cover the main points and action sequences from here on because only 7 people are going to read this (you see what I did there?).

We first find out that my Cuz has been domesticated and relegated to driving a mini van because he has retired from the game but don't worry, he'll be back.

We look just alike
We also learn that The Rock has somehow managed to pack on another 50 lbs of solid muscle. He then encounters Statham and of course they destroy a whole floor of a high rise before The Rock is blown out of the building falling 80 feet and landing on a car although he did get a Rock Bottom in.

Statham then kills Han and blows up my Cuz's house but big homie Vin is there to save his sister's life. I still have no idea what her character's name is.

Enter Coach Herb Brooks (Kurt Russell). He is some sort of militia man and offers the crew an opportunity to find Statham so naturally they say yes. The technology (God's Eye) he tells them about is just a blatant rip off of the one used in The Dark Knight to find the joker but Furious 7 gets a pass because it's baller as fuck and has pulled in $300+ million already. 4 straight weeks at #1!!!!

This results in the crew parachuting cars from and cargo plane to rescue the woman who knows where God's Eye is. It's.....christ......I don't even......awesome. Just watch.

The rescue mission is succesful after Vin purposely crashes his car down a mountain (without a scratch to him) and my Cuz saves himself by running up the side of a bus while it's falling off of a cliff (see trailer below). It literally runs in the family. Fun fact: both of these sequences were real, no CGI. If you don't believe that, you can blow it out your ass (LUDA!).

After the rescue, and not to be outdone by the previous action, they head to Dubai to track down God's Eye and what happens with a car and a few mega skyscrapers is just too real not to be true. See 40 seconds in.

Of course things go wrong and the bad guys end up with God's Eye resulting in the crew being hunted down and setting up the final fight. The Rock makes a triumphant return with a mini gun but not before flexing and busting out of his full arm cast that could not have been more than a week old. No, you can't make that shit up and I almost lost my mind when it happened.


"You thought this was going to be a street fight? You're goddamn right it is." Those were the words uttered by Vin before he faced off with Statham on a parking ramp with giant pipes and wrenches as weapons. That would have been a cool enough fight in itself but it escalates and ends with the parking ramp collapsing, Statham slipping away to later be arrested, Vin flying his car off the ramp into a helicopter full of bad guys, attaching a bag of grenades to it, crashing to the ground, and subsequently dying as the grenades go off. Exactly how Vin planned on going out.

But wait! Good guys don't die and Vin miraculously comes back to life with one of his patented one liners, "It's about time". You have to know the chain of events in previous films to understand that but trust me, classic Vin.

Statham is shipped off to a black site where he remarks, "You do know none of this will keep me right?" Enter Fast 8 in 2017!! FUCK YEA!

The final scene starts on a beach as everybody is enjoying their victory and watching my Cuz play with his wife and son. Vin then leaves without saying goodbye and is sitting at a stop sign when my Cuz pulls up next to him and shines that golden Walker smile. They proceed to drive side by side until the road parts and Vin heads one way and my Cuz the other.

Let me tell you, plenty of tears were being shed at this point and I would have been right there had I not been at the theater by myself like a loser but I can't lie and say that my keyboard hasn't had a tear or two on it for my Cuz. I'll never forget that text from a friend, "Paul Walker died." I would have rather received an "I'm pregnant" text.

Simply put, this movie is the greatest thing to ever appear on the big screen and to quote the great Charles Barkley, "I may be wrong, but I doubt it." RIP Paul. I'll keep pouring some out for ya. 

Your Honorary Cuz,

Eric Walker

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Bailey "Nugget" Walker 2002-Too Soon

Bailey "Nugget" Walker, age 12, passed away today in Rice Lake, WI. He is survived by all 5 members of the Walker household and both of his sisters Chelsea and Peyton "Pey Pey" Walker.

He will always be remembered for taking 8 years to potty train and for his love of running away anytime he wasn't on a leash. Bailey enjoyed going on runs, chewing on anything he could get his teeth on (his younger years), and kicking it with his former Golden Retriever roommate Casey.

Bailey struggled early on in life as the rough streets of Grantsburg, WI tried to drag him into the notorious world of dog fighting. The Walker family showed up just in time to save him from what could only be described as a short life of anger and despair. From there, Bailey thrived and did so well that he even had an opportunity to star in Homeward Bound 5 but decided against it as it would take him away from his beloved family for 6 months.

As the years went by, Big Nugget grew old and blind but he lived life to the fullest and died without any regrets, a thing that many don't get to say. He will be loved and missed by hundreds in the Rice Lake community but he will never be forgotten.

A foundation is being established in his name to support battered and homeless dogs in the Rice Lake area. Contributions can be made to Eric Walker.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Real World Recap Ep. 6 and 7: Pregnancy, Doug, and Chemical Engineers

Joe Haines (@LJ_YOHAUNCE) February 24th, 2014

Alright, first off, I didn't do a recap last week.  I know, I know, I apologize to the one person that reads and actually enjoys it, but there really wasn't anything too important that happened.  The center of last week’s episode focused on Tom and Tom’s utter confusion and frustration of having two attractive women wanting his love and affection.  Times are tough aren't they, Tom? I mean, God, I really hate that too.  Anyway, Tom tells Jamie he hates relationships and titles and all that good stuff. They break it off.  Tom and Hailey start getting all lovey dovey again.  Jamie calls him a man child.  Tom touches Hailey’s leg in the club.  Jamie freaks out.  Tom and Jamie are back together officially with a label. It really was a lame episode that showed too much of Tom’s stupidity and not enough box jumping. 

Speaking of box jumping, Brain did have a few shining moments in last week’s episode. First off he uses “thought records” which are a thing, I guess?  The official definition goes as such: “A thought record is used for cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) to help identify problematic thought patterns.  When used in the treatment of anxiety, a most basic thought record usually includes: the situation in which anxiety was felt, the specific symptoms experienced, the automatic thoughts that were generated, and any rational alternative thoughts.”  I would pay at least ten dollars to see a collection of Brian’s thought records. I could only imagine that they would go something like this:

Brian’s Thought Record

Last night Jenny and our roommates went to a gay bar.  She made out with some female.  This caused me to feel in a way that is equivalent to a betrayed, depressed individual that is in a deep state of dark thought on a negative emotional level which then leads into a negative thought provoking state that initiated emotional reactions in which I responded negatively. I felt angry and betrayed and emotionally perplexed in a negative realm of living. I could not expel this negativity without inappropriate actions.

The automatic thought that came to my head was that I wanted to beat that other chick’s ass for touching my women like that.  I was also thinking about how high the top of that bar was because I think I could have totally jumped on, and or over it. 

My rational alternative thought was that I should just take another shot and yell at Jenny when we get home.

The End


As far as the other roommates go, not much else has happened.  We found out that Jenna didn’t do too well on her 5th grade spelling tests.  Loser, cheese, and Chinese really trip her up.  It’s alright, do your thing.  I can’t spell either.  Hailey has taken over Bird’s spot from last season and has been found more times on the couch than anywhere else.  So that’s nice. Cory and Lauren go out on a nice cable car date and instantly fall back in love.  Cable cars will do that to you.  Cory finally has sex in a bed.  And Lauren is apparently pregnant, so nothing too big.

Oh wait, that’s actually some huge news.  The end of the sixth episode was what the entire seventh episode was all about as we dive into the Cory/Lauren relationship as it takes a huge swerve.  So let me try to break down the twists and turns of this pregnancy scare:

-          Cory and Lauren go on a romantic cable car date that turns into unprotected sex, in a bed, at the end of the night.

-          Lauren wakes up feeling fat and nauseous two days later and decides that she should probably take a pregnancy test.  Apparently if waking up feeling fat and nauseous constitutes getting a pregnancy test than I should have taken 603 of those by now.

-          She goes home and takes the test, with Jenna spotting her, and they both come to a conclusion that the “plus” sign means that it is a positive test and she currently has a bun in the over.

-          Lauren is officially upset.

-          Cory sees her all worked up about something and tries to comfort her.

-          She says she doesn’t want to talk about this on national television, which is a reasonable request to have.

-          Cory explains to her that if she covers up her microphone no one will have any idea of what she is saying, except for the fact that the person next to her has a microphone on and we heard every word that she said.  

-          Laruen tells Cory the breaking news that is currently happening in her womb. Cory does the whole “walk away into a head snapping double take” move (which, if I may add, is the most underrated reaction of all reactions) to show his disapproval with the headline of the day.

-          Cory instantly says that it can’t be his because they only had sex two days ago.  Point for Cory.

-          Lauren rebuttals with the “oh it couldn’t be this other guy I was hooking up with. We used a condom” routine.  Point for Lauren.

-          Cory still denies that it could be his.  Staying strong, Cory. Point for Cory.

-          Laruen then says “Well, that other dude and I didn’t use a condom, but I used Plan B the next day.”  Ouch, bad move by Lauren.  Should have told the truth. Minus fifteen points for Lauren and, more importantly, minus ten thousand points for Plan B.  Talk about negative marketing.  “Hey national television audience! I used a commonly used birth control substance and it didn’t work!”

-          A producer came in to talk to Laruen about the possibility of her leaving the house.  On the one hand she would love to be around supportive people that could help and care for her.  On the other hand she would want to stay on the Real World and show people what it is like to go through moments like this that they may have in their lives. 

-          Lauren made the wise choice of heading home early because, honestly, if people wanted to see what pregnancy was like in the real world they can just tune into MTV at any other given hour of the day.  I don’t need my Real World time infused with Teen Mom 2.  So thank you, Lauren, for making a responsible decision for everyone watching.

-          So, ultimately it is not Cory’s and he gets really, really pissed. 

Cory didn’t help himself in the not-looking-like-a-douche-bag department.  He really came down hard on this poor girl.  He berated her about sleeping with another man when they weren’t together. He said that he wanted nothing to do with her and that he won’t support her through this. In Cory’s eyes I can see why he would be mad.  You just recently fell in love with your first love again and she happens to have a kid with someone that isn’t you.  That is a big pill to swallow. But to make her feel bad by not supporting her through arguably one of the biggest days of her life is pretty scummy.  Not to mention the fact that later on in the evening Cory was spotted hitting on a random girl in the club in front of Lauren.  That is also very low.  Sure, this female happened to be super attractive, but come on, man!  This was the first time in a long time that I actually felt bad for a person on the Real World.  She didn’t do anything stupid all season and seemed like a genuinely nice person. 

The next day Cory gets up and attempts to redeem himself by taking her out to a nice dinner and tries making up for the assholery of the night prior.  It seemed like all was well at the end of the date and Lauren left the show with her and Cory on good terms.  I wish all the best for Lauren in the future and thank you for letting arguably the hugest moment of your life to be captured by cameras and made available for all the world to see. 

Let this be a lesson to the kids out there: Before you need/want that funk, you gotta’ wrap up that junk.

The second biggest story line is the re-budding relationship between Jenny and Brian.  But before all that nonsense DOUG WAS BACK!!!  Yes, that Doug. The Doug that came home with Jenny after a hard night of clubbing on the very first episode.  You may also remember him from making ridiculous faces in Ashley’s bed when he tries to comfort her after an embarrassing night of racial based roommate harassment, or from the awkward moments in the hot tub where he tried to make a move on Jenny. All of these are classic moments in my mind.

Anyway, the second best character on the show finally reemerges from the depths in order bring Jenny flowers in an attempt to take her a dinner date sometime in the near future.  Jenny, of course, declines his advances due to the fact that Doug may be a serial killer, but more importantly that there is an emotionally unstable monster doing a confessional at the same exact moment and he would love to do nothing more than punch a hole through someone’s chest plate.  So Doug came and went, only to give us a faint memory of the magic we once had.  We will miss you Doug.  We will miss you. 

So Jenny and Brian celebrate their 4th or 5th (Brian’s words, not mine) anniversary with a nice dinner that eventually moved back into the kitchen where they made brownies together.  The thing that boggles my mind is that the anniversaries don’t reset after a breakup.  I just feel like that would be the logical thing to happen.  I mean, you have a winning streak as long as you keep winning but once you lose your streak resets on the next win.  Whatever.  This is why I’m single.  I’ll never fully understand this bullshit.  Finally, over their love of baked goods, Jenny and Brian hook up after Brian swore off intercourse for the time being.  After that hookup, and Brian posing like Mr. Fucking Universe at the beach, it seems like all systems are go with this relationship.  That is until boys’ night. 

Now ladies, don’t let an actual boys’ night be confused with the Real World boys’ night.  You see, actual boys’ nights consist of harmless fun and drinking with friends at a proper alcoholic establishment while your coupled friend usually watches as his single friends make asses of themselves. Or he politely plays the wingman for his drunken comrades.  The Real World boys’ nights consist of few of the country’s biggest idiots drinking a five gallon buckets worth of tequila and competing for as much camera time as possible.

Brian did the dumbest thing he could on the first annual Real World boys’ night by asking another woman for her phone number and shoving his tongue down her throat on camera (which is a horrible choice for his and Jenny’s relationship, but a great choice for us watching at home).  But Brian fell for his biggest vice…chemical engineers.  He was going to stay cool and not hit on anyone until he met this chemical engineer in which he responds “oh I better keep a conversation with this woman. She’s a chemical engineer.”  He’s got a point, though.  If you’re looking long term, would you rather be with a chemical engineer who has a stable career path that provides high pay and solid hours, or a woman who will be making club appearances for the next twenty years all while juggling her failed acting career and her numerous reality TV shows?  The man is just keeping his options open. 

Nothing else really happened with the other Roommates on this episode, which seems to be a reoccurring factor with Jay, Jenna, Arielle, and Ashley.

Ashley and Arielle had a little argument because Ashley wanted Arielle to dress more like a girl instead of wearing men’s t-shirts and knit caps all the time.  I think I speak for everyone when I say the knit cap in the summer time is just a poor wardrobe choice anyway, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.  In order to explain her reasoning behind wearing guys clothes, Arielle assembled a transsexual and homosexual Justice League all so they could tell their stories and feelings about what they go through to the rest of the roommates.  It didn’t involve drunken mistakes or Brian being stupid, so I didn’t really pay attention.
That was really it for this week.

The seventh episode was a pretty big one jam packed with drama.  The lead-in to the eighth episode looks like it will be an even bigger episode which showed scenes of the inevitable fallout of Brian’s decision at the club.  The wrath of Jenny is upon us. We also see  Jay finally get emotional because he won’t tell Jenna that he loves her.  I’m really banking on the tears coming from her finding his contact book half full of numbers.

As always I will be posting again next week. Hope you enjoyed it.  And, as always: Keep it real!

Joe Haines (@LJ_YOHAUNCE)
The Lounge Chair Legends